CAMOdale Claymore 7

OK, let me start off by saying this Bike is only for the manliest of men. My friend, if it was possible for a bike to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Cannondale would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to ride to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Univega is for. If that's the kind of bike you're riding, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This bike was engineered by Army Ranger Navy Seal super-warriors at Cannondale to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like gel seats (real men don't need squish), heated grips (a real man doesn't let anything warm his hands), or Lights (real men dont need no lights).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a beastly drivetrain to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant saddle. It even has a first-aid kit in the bottle holder, (what bottle holder!?)You know what the first aid kit has on it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Camodale also has a heavy duty MEATY pedals, so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun while riding and pedal up the side of a mountain pulling a fully loaded 747 at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the 5 hotties you picked up on the way to the trails to blast your pecs and hammer your gluteus. There's a 1x10 gear ratio by SRAM to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. The tires were replaced after running over anti-armor land mines. Hey no one is perfect I was looking down to observe the mud i was slangin.This monster had crashed through more pricker bushes than a armadillo shot in the ass with a mossberg...and still does not have a scratch on the new paint.

Yes I would sell, My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $8000, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Justin bieber concert anymore; its hard to pick up your teeth with broken fingers.

There's only 200 miles on this Two-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. The power plant that should be pedaling this best be out of an international tractor and should run on home brewed bio fuel from the taco bell you picked up on the way to the trails, not those panzy cliff bars. So when the government collapses, the peasants digging in the dirt can bow down to your power as rumble by shaking the earth.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a glass of two hour old moonshine while we listen to Johnny Cash!